Familial relationships are complex. Although I don’t talk about them often, I have two sisters. One lives out of the country and one lives down the freeway, about 20 minutes away. I’ve never been exceptionally close to either one of them but logic would seem to dictate that I would at least be close to the sister that lives 20 minutes away. Unfortunately, as we are all painfully reminded at some point in our lives, there are always things that happen that just don’t have any logical explanation. My relationship with my middle sister is one of those things.
When my parents, z”l, died so did my relationship with K. We’ve not spoken since she stormed out of my house in a fit of rage over the fact that I refused to attend a dinner at which her significant other would be in attendance but mine would not be invited. That was last April. I received an e-mail from her for my birthday in October. That was our last contact.
There’s a saying that is often repeated in 12-step meetings – insanity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result. I’ve not contacted my sister because I know the result won’t be any different from what it’s been since my father died four years ago. K and I will exchange pleasantries for five minutes or so and shortly after that the conversation will turn into a shouting match over things that happened four years ago – it always does and it always will. That being said, it doesn’t mean that my choice isn’t difficult and doesn’t come without consequences and it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to call her and be a part of her life. I just know that for the sake of my own sanity, I can’t. However, she’s still my sister and it’s still a painful decision. With both of my parents gone she is one of the last two members of my family of origin that I have left.
Today I discovered, quite accidentally via Facebook, that she and her boyfriend have purchased a house and are moving. And I cried. I really am out of the loop – and out of her life.
Gosh, that must hurt…sometimes we pull away, sometimes they do and hopefully at some point they both pull back together.
Sisters….argh, what a complicated relationship. They know all our buttons! Mine and I pulled away for a year and a half, during which she got married and had a child. I missed both and can never get those moments back. But slowly we repaired our relationship and I am now grateful everyday for her.
May you and your sisters find a healthy way back to each other.
I pray for grace and forgiveness in that relationship.
When I met my now husband he was working for a trucking company and living in a house next to the shop. It was part of the requirement of the job. But for some reason my sister got it in her head that he was homeless. She was sure that he was hanging around to take advantage of our family. She didn’t want him at any family functions and pretended he wasn’t there if she happened to be in the same room at the same time. She went on a one woman compaign and talked a large number of the family into shunning him and me. That lasted about 8 years and like you I thought it would always be that way. Then my sister got sick. She learned of the loving nature and care of my husband. He was the only person she would trust taking her on walks in her wheelchair. My sister and I only had two months together of our version of unconditional love but I will always cherish it. I wish we had more time to have that relationship instead of all the years we wasted. I hope and prayer that you can crack that tough shell of judgement and fear. I grieve every day not just for the sister that I lost but for the stupidity that kept us so long apart.
My heart aches for you. Even when people hurt us and the relationship is toxic, we mourn the “what-if” and “what should have been” aspects. While we can intellectualize the whole thing, the fact remains that it hurts.
{{{hugs}}}
Blood relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. You can’t choose your siblings- you choose your friends- the ones who actually like you for who you are, and don’t just tolerate you because you have the same mother and father. LOTS of people don’t have relationships with sisters or brothers. If there was dysfunction in the home growing up, then loving sibling relationships probably didn’t develop and no loving adult relationship will develop until both sibling have matured and can see the world through truly mature eyes- one of you cannot- and it isn’t you- don’t fret- it’s her loss, not yours- she’s not ready for you. You aren’t missing anything, except negative drama that you don’t need!
Of course families are very complex and often the most hurtful Nancy. I choose the positive outlook that at some point in time this too WILL be repaired…yes, I am accused of being “pollyanna”, but I want to believe nothing is ever so broken it cannot be fixed….and that is my prayer.
I hope some day your sister will soften her heart and once again be a part of your life, and accepting as well. For now, I empathize with your pain, and for that I am truly sorry. In the end she is still your sister, just not as good a friend as she could be.
Know that you have many who care and share – some day, I hope, she will return to that as well.